They say donkey doesn’t kick the same stone twice, which maybe be true but then he just kicks another stone. Granted in life we all make mistakes, after all we are human. But when you keep making the same mistakes over and over, that’s when you got to start saying to yourself how stupid are you. Even the smallest of animals have learnt when to change their ways or habits.

So now you asking why am I bring up this topic for my blog…

Apart from how the world seems to make the same mistakes over and over, when it comes to who to trust, how to deal with situations. But for me things are a bit more personal and plaguing my mind for some time now.

Mmm so where to start. Guess education is one of my more costly mistake. Granted many of use have made this mistake and its something we cannot really foresee. But If I had known back then what I know no I probably would not have gone in to graphic design as a career choice. Would have saved me a lot of money and possible a career that I could have grown with, but now im stuck with what im doing now and as much as I love the people I work with I can not help wish for a position where be more respectable and upgrading. But with that mistake I have grown to accept so this is probably one that really has not impacted me as much.

Mistake number two and this is one that I’m making time and time again. And this one is all on me, I’m the one that has control over this. What mistake is that, well bowling ofcourse. I’ve been bowling for 26 years now and I pretty good at it, I’ve worked my way up to the point that I can at time keep up with the best of them. But like most bowlers that perfect game has eluded me time and time again. Every time I seem to have that chance to bowl that perfect game and seem to mess up with my delivery, even though I am able to do the same routine over and over, when it comes to that moment I forget to do something, if its lifting correctly, keeping the same speed etc. It’s funny but my mother has always joked with me I should engrave my steps in to the ball so that when im there on the approach I can go over what needs to be done. But that’s bowling and why its so fun, and frustrating at the same time. So I believe one day i’ll make that perfect game and be in that elite group of people.

So now on to my painful mistake and that one were ill just never learn. Twice I have been involved with someone I dearly wanted to be with and yet with fault of my own and ended  things, not cause of their faults but because of mine. and only later down the line after all is said and done do I realize how stupid ive been, if I had communicated better and not been so hast I’d be happy right now.  Was it because I was scared where things were going, or was it that I didn’t know how to handle things.

Who knows maybe ill get that chance to be truly happy with someone, if that moment ever arrives. Even though all is said and done I can not help maybe think is my life was a mistake, the signs were there from being dropped on my head as a baby to two brain ops, those three alone should have killed me, to the way my life is now with one hardship after another. Granted there are others that have it harder but we lead our own life’s and we make our choices so we are to blame.

God I hate this time of year….

The outcome

Its been a few months now since the ordeal that i had gone through. Now I’m not going to get into what lead to my arrest, for that you will need to read my earlier posts.

People always ask what are you afraid of and well I’m not afraid of death as that something you can not control, and I have no problem talking 500 + people if I have to. After all, I’ve done on stage performance in high school.What I am afraid of is dying alone and with every passing day that seems to be a certainty. Though I have to begin to accept it and like most I have my good days and bad, but that is not what this blog is about.

I have to admit that when i had my brain surgery all those years ago i was scared, more terrified. So bad that at 16 i was crying my eyes out on the way to the operating table, but then anyone at 16 would be scared to go through something like that, but getting arrested and cuffed and placed in a holding cell was quite something else.  I never want to go through again. That truly was the scariest i have ever been, truth be told i don’t even remember how i even got to work that day. But to the thanks a friend, he was able to help me out with contacting a lawyer and even helped me with the costs, which was something i was not able to afford. Even legal aid was not able to help me. If I had not gotten a lawyer i probably would have spent a few days if not weeks in jail, lost my job and who know what else. But after weeks of back and forth, im thankful for my lawyer to have had the charges dropped. Those few weeks was extremely stressful having to wake up each day wondering what was going to happen. Granted i had my mother for support but not that same. I had to deal with this day in and day out on my own, I have no friends for support and certain had no girlfriend to help take my mind of things. But I managed and showed that being alone aint all that bad.

We all learn things from ordeals and i have too. Now i never thought I would ever be arrested and that is not in my character to look for trouble so safe to say that ill never see the inside of a holding cell again or need the use of a criminal attorney. But will all said and done all this just opened my eyes that we all need someone in out lives to be there for support and be that helping hand, otherwise all that anger will boil up and you will end up doing something yo will regret in life and I regret bumping into the TTC personal, If i have paid better attention this would not have happened but my mind at that time was somewhere else.

So basically what im trying to say is be open and dont waste your life away, cause life is cruel and will bite you in the ass and give you a wake up call.

That time of the year

Been a while since i have updated this blog with something new and well i guess i just lost interest in it, but since i have no one in my life to open up to i was told it was good to open up in a blog, regardless if anyone actually takes the time to read it.

So since i have no idea where i left off i just skip all that and start off now. It’s coming to the time of the year again and of course with no surprise nothing ahs changed.  things seemed promising earlier this year but like everything else in my life up to know i have managed to screw that up.

For the most part, i have been happy and content with how my life is right now. I have a stable job, i have no debt, well besides for my mortgage and i even have money saved up. Enough that if i decided to i could easily take a trip abroad. But like most people that are alone there are certain days that our feelings change from content to being lonely. But for me Valentines day and my birthday hit me the hardest. And since it’s almost November 8, as much as i try to stay cheery and content, I can not help but reflect on things in my life.

My birthday is coming up and ill be 37. Granted this year was not my finest year, with the assault charge, and the arrest but in the end they turned out in my favor and all that was dropped. But with all that, i cant help look at my life and compare to other at my age. Love most people my age they already married, have a family, seen the world etc and ive yet to even have a long term relationship. Been 6 years since i ended things with Meghan and even to this day i wonder if i made the right move. But she has moved on and dating again so she is the past. But still in that 6 years I have yet to meet someone that i can truely connect with, to feel what other feel. Each day at work im among beautiful woman, that i playfully flirt with and nothing, Even outside of work i can not get the attention of a woman. I’ve tried online and seems the only woman i can attract are ones that i will never see as they are abroad. And dating sites are of not help as i get no responses to my messages. Someone once told me i need to be more confident about myself, yet how can i when i can not even find someone that is will to be with me, that all i ever get is been shot down. So once again this year im alone.

But having said all that I can not wonder that even though im alone, its probably for the best as well what do i really have to offer. I just barely make a living with my salary, I have an average paying job with an ok position at work, but there is not area for promotion so as things are, its as good as it will get. There my living situation, I love my mom and i have no issues with her living with me and me financially supporting her. But woman dont want a guy that has his mother tied to him, even though my mom has made it clear that she does not want to hold me back, but woman dont see it that way. So as much as i want to marry, i can not see that happening as if i were to move out, i could not support my mother, the mortgage and the living expense of my partner. So really i have nothing to offer, so in the end the best thing for me is to stay single but you can not block feelings like loneliness out. Sure after my birthday things will be better and ill be my cheery self once more.


long time no see

So been a while since i have written something and well until recently not much has been worth mentioning. So before i go in to the major even that happened to me i have to mention that ex girlfriend who i have mentioned in the past about on and off communication and leading me on messaged me the other night out of the blue. We didn’t chat much as well she wasn’t much in to talking, she told me that she was going through a emotional breakup with her last boyfriend. Of course the nice guy that i am i told her i was there for her if she wants to chat. At which point she replies thanks and well that’s all. so makes me wonder why she even messaged me if she just to say he is alone again. She must know that we will never be an item again and friends is all we will be. Well we will see what comes of it. she may or may not message me again.

So now on to something that not only was probably the most terrifying ordeal that I have ever been too but also quite stressful. Middle of last month I was arrested and charged with assault. yes you read correctly. Now if you know me you think i’m pulling your leg. In all honesty i’m a coward. Never been in a fight, giving or receiving end. I friendly and well in most of cases used cause of my willing to help. Plus I have never been in trouble with the law, not even been warned. So anyone who knows me would think i joking but believe me im not, i only wish i was.

So heres what happened. One morning I’m only my way to work like i do everyday for past several years. I began my walk in the subway on my way out and I have to tell you I do not pay attention where i walk, and basically go by senses. now some of you will know what i talking about. Any way I walking and i saw a TTC employee with his back to me in my way so I made my  left to pass him. Now I dont quite all remember what happened next but I may have connected with him with my shoulder. Now keep in mind I 6’4 at 140lbs while he is about 6’3 and at least double my weight so I think I would have felt it if i knocked in to him hard. Anyway I kept on going. the following day again walked my usual route when a TTC contestable (transit police) stopped me and handcuffed me and escorted me to the holding cell in the station where they left me handcuffed for 40 minutes while going over the details and informed me that i will be charged with assault as I apparently bodychecked him.  Crazy I know. After 40 minutes they let me go and informed me to appear in court at a certain date. Now as you can imagine i was not only shocked and beside myself I was terrified as well I did not want to go to jail as I probably then lose my job and with a criminal record it will be hard to find a new job and since I supporting my mother things will not go well.

Thankfully when I got to work that morning I went to a friend of my who happens to be the ex owner of the company for advice. At which point he got in touch of a lawyer to present me and even told me he will help me with the legal fees. So now for the past month and a bit I have been praying and wishing for all this to be over. This has probably got to be the most stressful thing i have ever gotten in to and trust me getting arrested is one of the most scariest things a person can go through. I will soon know the outcome and what the crown (prosecutor) will be saying. All I can say now is that I am paying better attention and when I see a TTC employee I make extra room to go pass them. Though i think all this is ridiculous to arrest someone just cause I bumped in to them. but maybe this guy has a power trip and feels he can abuse the power just cause he is a TTC employee. Plus cuffing me was excessive as well, but i guess they were just doing their job and procedure.

Moral of this situation…. Pay attention when you walk.

Anyway. thats my little bit of life right now. more to come.

Dreams are made of

Have you ever wondered about your dreams. Woke up in the morning trying to
think back seeing if you remember anything. Or had a dream that when you
woke up you wished was real. Or dreamt about something that you woke up to
open a drawer in hopes of collecting what you dreamt about cause it felt so

I’ve had dreams like that. Dreams that I wish was real as that person
seemed to have a better life. Even had Dreams of people I knew and didn’t.

Depending whonyou talk too, some will say our dreams is a way our brains
are telling us of what we most desire. While others will say that it a firm
of remember our past lives. Lol well of that was the case then my past had
more fun than me.

But for one reason or another I have another theory as to our Dreams. I
don’t think they memories of any sort but more the dreams of our other
side. Activities that our other counterpart is doing on another plane. OK
far fetched but not more far fetch than other theories. Think of it. And
why can it not be my theory who is to say that mine is wrong and theirs is
right .

So next time you dream. Don’t look at it as something you need to break
down and analysis but think of it of what your other you is doing and think
of how you could better you life to be in sync with theirs.

Not meant to be

Mmmm well as to be expected I was foolish to think things would have been different.
After a week of emailing this woman I met online we met. Our emails back and forth were long and quite interesting. I was actually getting to believe that just maybe we would be good for each other. So we met for coffee and she was beautiful.  Maybe not beautiful to some people’s eyes but to mine she was. Lovely smile and stunning eyes.

We talking non stop for two hours.  Laughed and even shared somewhat personal stories. It was all going well. My only concern after the date was if she maybe changed her mind once seeing me and just humored me with having coffee instead of standing me up. Reason why I say that is there she hardly ever kept eye contact. And near the end of the date she told me she had dinner with her family. I figured if I was her I would have said something earlier. But fair enough.

So that night I messaged her and told her that I had a lovely time and hope to see her again. But along in the email I told her about my situation with my mother and her living with me and me financially do supporting her. I figured I might as well tell her now rather than later before feelings are involved. To no surprise she messaged me back stating she had a lovely time too and couldn’t remember the last time she enjoyed talking and that we share a lot in common. Great you would think. Right. Wrong,  as the message went on she told me she wasn’t comfortable and was looking to settle down and with my mom living with my mother would be a problem . No it hurt that we will not see each other any more but I respect that she was honest about it .

So back to square one. Though I feel maybe it’s best I just quit and live my live as a single man. Pointless always getting my hopes up just to be crushed.

Cross roads

So I’m at as a point that quite frankly I didnt think would happen. In my past blog I’ve mentioned how along I am and not having anyone to share it with due to the fact the woman these days are far more concerned for ones appearance than ones inner self and well for me it’s been evenly hard to meet someone.

Yet having said that, I met someone, well sort of. We have been emailing each other for the past couple of days and not some short messages, actually long emails and she is quite a sweet woman, quite pretty to. So now i’m at a point like every time I begin to think that things are turning around about how things are going to develop after the point that we start dating.

By that I mean how will she understand that my mother lives with me and that I’m financially supporting her, ok and so maybe she understands and is sympathetic about it, Shows me she has a good heart. But what about later down the line when things get more serious and come to that stage we should move in together. I hate to say it but I can not afford to support my mother and pay my way in a place with me and my “new gf”. Not to mention I can not see that she will be ok with the idea of living with my mother and me.

I want to meet someone I do but these are questions I wish i could answer. I can not very well leave my mother to defend for herself, she certainly cant afford it and maybe in a few years when she get pension she can pay her way a bit but not enough to live off. So part of me want to see this possible relationship through and see where it takes me but on the other hand im scared for what the future might hold. Maybe I should just stay single and live my life alone.

I tell you it sure does suck to be an only child where a divorced mother raises you. If only things were different.

Title says it all