Getting tired of it

I know in the past I’ve bitched about how lonely ive been feeling and all and im actually quite content with it right now, amazing what acceptance can do for a person. But I’m going to cover something else today that I’ve been getting a lot over the years and quite frankly I’m getting tired of it. Granted its a compliment or they just being nice but really I’m getting a little tired of hearing it.

Week after week, day after day at work I get complemented about how much of a gentlemen that I am cause I hold a door open or let someone go first, then there is when I do something that someone requests and I finish it in a fast manner or already taken care of before they even realize it’s been done already I get you amazing, or your the best. Or my personal favorite when I notice things that other haven’t like they had a hair cut or a new dress and I make a polite compliment about it or I remember their birthday I get awww that so sweet of you.

Now really if I’m such a gentleman, Sweet and the best explain to me then I can not find that someone to share my life with or if I’m so sweet or the best as they put it would they not show a interest in getting to know me. Granted it’s nice to hear but I’m just getting sick of hearing it. Hell I’ve even stopped responding it to these compliments. Hell they probably don’t even mean it and just saying it to be nice but regardless I’m sick of it.

Two words to think about

So its a new year, and another year that has gone by where nothing has changed. Though this year I’ve seem to come across two words that have been stuck in my head. Responsibility which these days most people today have forgotten and Acceptance.

Seems today people have forgotten about taking responsibility for our actions, family and people we love. More and more people are just washing aside what they have done. They start a relationship, create a child and then when things get too tough they push their responsibility away. Even today people can not get away fast enough when it comes to leaving their family. Then where there is some one that rather takes care of their family they are brushed aside and labeled as someone with no future. People seems to forget that our parents gave up a lot to raise us and have been there for the worst of times when we needed them most.

Then there is acceptance. Maybe to be truly happy we need to accept what is happening in our life as something positive. There things in this life we can not change and need to learn to accept it for what it is and quite fighting it. We today are too focused on changing things that we get too stressed out about and ultimately making ourselves sick.

So this year I’m taking these two words to  heart. I’m going to accept my life as it is, I accept that I’ll probably be taking care of my mother for the rest of my life, cause that’s my responsibility as her son, and if women can not accept that then there is no place in my life for them, that is why I have given up hope to meet a woman that can understand this, I’ve been alone for most of my life, have not felt love nor had a real relationship. And I probably never will. But this I have learnt to accept, there is no point in fighting it and the truth is the truth I don’t need any one to make me happy cause it is up to me to make my happiness.

Something a little different

I figured instead of focusing on my life and boring you with my stories of going on and on about how lonely my life is becoming. Then again I’m fairly sure that this blog is not read by many.

So I’m going to touch on something that bothers me concerning with some people who own large dogs in a condo. Don’t get me wrong I love dogs but having a large dog in a condo unit that is approx. 700sqf is just wrong, even dare say mild case of animal abuse. Granted there is nothing that can be done about it, but you think that people that love animals would look at this from the dogs point of view. How can a large animal like this exercise.

So probably wondering why I’m bringing this up. For the past few years my neighbor across from me owns a cross with a German Sheppard and something else. Now this is a big ass dog and one that is not trained as this dog is repeatedly barking with the slightest noise. As you can imagine it can work on your nerves when ever someone is talking in the hallway, he barks, door closes, he barks, the slightest noise and there he goes barking. When he and his wife are around he is quite and has their company. But now that he wife has left him, which I saw coming as he treated her like shit (probably mentioned this is  an earlier post). The dog is alone most of the day and sometimes at night as he is hardly ever home and when he is home, its for a few minutes. Gotten so bad that the poor dog is howling at night.  So not only is this dog all alone but he hardly to none exercise and from what I hear the poor dog does his business on the balcony. Now what is going to happen in winter, does the owner leave the balcony door open, then the poor dog will be in the cold all day and night. Now I want to bring this to the attention of the humane society but I fear that if they remove the dog from his custody they will put him down as this dog is a vicious dog.

It’s clear that there are just some people in this world that don’t deserve our respect, sympathy.



They say donkey doesn’t kick the same stone twice, which maybe be true but then he just kicks another stone. Granted in life we all make mistakes, after all we are human. But when you keep making the same mistakes over and over, that’s when you got to start saying to yourself how stupid are you. Even the smallest of animals have learnt when to change their ways or habits.

So now you asking why am I bring up this topic for my blog…

Apart from how the world seems to make the same mistakes over and over, when it comes to who to trust, how to deal with situations. But for me things are a bit more personal and plaguing my mind for some time now.

Mmm so where to start. Guess education is one of my more costly mistake. Granted many of use have made this mistake and its something we cannot really foresee. But If I had known back then what I know no I probably would not have gone in to graphic design as a career choice. Would have saved me a lot of money and possible a career that I could have grown with, but now im stuck with what im doing now and as much as I love the people I work with I can not help wish for a position where be more respectable and upgrading. But with that mistake I have grown to accept so this is probably one that really has not impacted me as much.

Mistake number two and this is one that I’m making time and time again. And this one is all on me, I’m the one that has control over this. What mistake is that, well bowling ofcourse. I’ve been bowling for 26 years now and I pretty good at it, I’ve worked my way up to the point that I can at time keep up with the best of them. But like most bowlers that perfect game has eluded me time and time again. Every time I seem to have that chance to bowl that perfect game and seem to mess up with my delivery, even though I am able to do the same routine over and over, when it comes to that moment I forget to do something, if its lifting correctly, keeping the same speed etc. It’s funny but my mother has always joked with me I should engrave my steps in to the ball so that when im there on the approach I can go over what needs to be done. But that’s bowling and why its so fun, and frustrating at the same time. So I believe one day i’ll make that perfect game and be in that elite group of people.

So now on to my painful mistake and that one were ill just never learn. Twice I have been involved with someone I dearly wanted to be with and yet with fault of my own and ended  things, not cause of their faults but because of mine. and only later down the line after all is said and done do I realize how stupid ive been, if I had communicated better and not been so hast I’d be happy right now.  Was it because I was scared where things were going, or was it that I didn’t know how to handle things.

Who knows maybe ill get that chance to be truly happy with someone, if that moment ever arrives. Even though all is said and done I can not help maybe think is my life was a mistake, the signs were there from being dropped on my head as a baby to two brain ops, those three alone should have killed me, to the way my life is now with one hardship after another. Granted there are others that have it harder but we lead our own life’s and we make our choices so we are to blame.

God I hate this time of year….

The outcome

Its been a few months now since the ordeal that i had gone through. Now I’m not going to get into what lead to my arrest, for that you will need to read my earlier posts.

People always ask what are you afraid of and well I’m not afraid of death as that something you can not control, and I have no problem talking 500 + people if I have to. After all, I’ve done on stage performance in high school.What I am afraid of is dying alone and with every passing day that seems to be a certainty. Though I have to begin to accept it and like most I have my good days and bad, but that is not what this blog is about.

I have to admit that when i had my brain surgery all those years ago i was scared, more terrified. So bad that at 16 i was crying my eyes out on the way to the operating table, but then anyone at 16 would be scared to go through something like that, but getting arrested and cuffed and placed in a holding cell was quite something else.  I never want to go through again. That truly was the scariest i have ever been, truth be told i don’t even remember how i even got to work that day. But to the thanks a friend, he was able to help me out with contacting a lawyer and even helped me with the costs, which was something i was not able to afford. Even legal aid was not able to help me. If I had not gotten a lawyer i probably would have spent a few days if not weeks in jail, lost my job and who know what else. But after weeks of back and forth, im thankful for my lawyer to have had the charges dropped. Those few weeks was extremely stressful having to wake up each day wondering what was going to happen. Granted i had my mother for support but not that same. I had to deal with this day in and day out on my own, I have no friends for support and certain had no girlfriend to help take my mind of things. But I managed and showed that being alone aint all that bad.

We all learn things from ordeals and i have too. Now i never thought I would ever be arrested and that is not in my character to look for trouble so safe to say that ill never see the inside of a holding cell again or need the use of a criminal attorney. But will all said and done all this just opened my eyes that we all need someone in out lives to be there for support and be that helping hand, otherwise all that anger will boil up and you will end up doing something yo will regret in life and I regret bumping into the TTC personal, If i have paid better attention this would not have happened but my mind at that time was somewhere else.

So basically what im trying to say is be open and dont waste your life away, cause life is cruel and will bite you in the ass and give you a wake up call.

That time of the year

Been a while since i have updated this blog with something new and well i guess i just lost interest in it, but since i have no one in my life to open up to i was told it was good to open up in a blog, regardless if anyone actually takes the time to read it.

So since i have no idea where i left off i just skip all that and start off now. It’s coming to the time of the year again and of course with no surprise nothing ahs changed.  things seemed promising earlier this year but like everything else in my life up to know i have managed to screw that up.

For the most part, i have been happy and content with how my life is right now. I have a stable job, i have no debt, well besides for my mortgage and i even have money saved up. Enough that if i decided to i could easily take a trip abroad. But like most people that are alone there are certain days that our feelings change from content to being lonely. But for me Valentines day and my birthday hit me the hardest. And since it’s almost November 8, as much as i try to stay cheery and content, I can not help but reflect on things in my life.

My birthday is coming up and ill be 37. Granted this year was not my finest year, with the assault charge, and the arrest but in the end they turned out in my favor and all that was dropped. But with all that, i cant help look at my life and compare to other at my age. Love most people my age they already married, have a family, seen the world etc and ive yet to even have a long term relationship. Been 6 years since i ended things with Meghan and even to this day i wonder if i made the right move. But she has moved on and dating again so she is the past. But still in that 6 years I have yet to meet someone that i can truely connect with, to feel what other feel. Each day at work im among beautiful woman, that i playfully flirt with and nothing, Even outside of work i can not get the attention of a woman. I’ve tried online and seems the only woman i can attract are ones that i will never see as they are abroad. And dating sites are of not help as i get no responses to my messages. Someone once told me i need to be more confident about myself, yet how can i when i can not even find someone that is will to be with me, that all i ever get is been shot down. So once again this year im alone.

But having said all that I can not wonder that even though im alone, its probably for the best as well what do i really have to offer. I just barely make a living with my salary, I have an average paying job with an ok position at work, but there is not area for promotion so as things are, its as good as it will get. There my living situation, I love my mom and i have no issues with her living with me and me financially supporting her. But woman dont want a guy that has his mother tied to him, even though my mom has made it clear that she does not want to hold me back, but woman dont see it that way. So as much as i want to marry, i can not see that happening as if i were to move out, i could not support my mother, the mortgage and the living expense of my partner. So really i have nothing to offer, so in the end the best thing for me is to stay single but you can not block feelings like loneliness out. Sure after my birthday things will be better and ill be my cheery self once more.


long time no see

So been a while since i have written something and well until recently not much has been worth mentioning. So before i go in to the major even that happened to me i have to mention that ex girlfriend who i have mentioned in the past about on and off communication and leading me on messaged me the other night out of the blue. We didn’t chat much as well she wasn’t much in to talking, she told me that she was going through a emotional breakup with her last boyfriend. Of course the nice guy that i am i told her i was there for her if she wants to chat. At which point she replies thanks and well that’s all. so makes me wonder why she even messaged me if she just to say he is alone again. She must know that we will never be an item again and friends is all we will be. Well we will see what comes of it. she may or may not message me again.

So now on to something that not only was probably the most terrifying ordeal that I have ever been too but also quite stressful. Middle of last month I was arrested and charged with assault. yes you read correctly. Now if you know me you think i’m pulling your leg. In all honesty i’m a coward. Never been in a fight, giving or receiving end. I friendly and well in most of cases used cause of my willing to help. Plus I have never been in trouble with the law, not even been warned. So anyone who knows me would think i joking but believe me im not, i only wish i was.

So heres what happened. One morning I’m only my way to work like i do everyday for past several years. I began my walk in the subway on my way out and I have to tell you I do not pay attention where i walk, and basically go by senses. now some of you will know what i talking about. Any way I walking and i saw a TTC employee with his back to me in my way so I made my  left to pass him. Now I dont quite all remember what happened next but I may have connected with him with my shoulder. Now keep in mind I 6’4 at 140lbs while he is about 6’3 and at least double my weight so I think I would have felt it if i knocked in to him hard. Anyway I kept on going. the following day again walked my usual route when a TTC contestable (transit police) stopped me and handcuffed me and escorted me to the holding cell in the station where they left me handcuffed for 40 minutes while going over the details and informed me that i will be charged with assault as I apparently bodychecked him.  Crazy I know. After 40 minutes they let me go and informed me to appear in court at a certain date. Now as you can imagine i was not only shocked and beside myself I was terrified as well I did not want to go to jail as I probably then lose my job and with a criminal record it will be hard to find a new job and since I supporting my mother things will not go well.

Thankfully when I got to work that morning I went to a friend of my who happens to be the ex owner of the company for advice. At which point he got in touch of a lawyer to present me and even told me he will help me with the legal fees. So now for the past month and a bit I have been praying and wishing for all this to be over. This has probably got to be the most stressful thing i have ever gotten in to and trust me getting arrested is one of the most scariest things a person can go through. I will soon know the outcome and what the crown (prosecutor) will be saying. All I can say now is that I am paying better attention and when I see a TTC employee I make extra room to go pass them. Though i think all this is ridiculous to arrest someone just cause I bumped in to them. but maybe this guy has a power trip and feels he can abuse the power just cause he is a TTC employee. Plus cuffing me was excessive as well, but i guess they were just doing their job and procedure.

Moral of this situation…. Pay attention when you walk.

Anyway. thats my little bit of life right now. more to come.

Title says it all